When I started my MPhil in Modern Indian History I was an enthusiastic student who couldn't wait for his course work to end and the research work to begin. I did well during the first year of course work. My assignments got good grades and my interventions in debates and discussions were intelligent. My friend saw me as an intelligent and talented young scholar and some of my professors told me that I was one of the more promising students in the department. Yet two years down the lane I can't believe how much I have messed up. I haven't lived up to the initial promise I showed and I'm not glad about the way I went forward with my research. I have just over a month to submit my thesis and I am still editing. Of course, a month out from submission one is expected to be busy with editing work but my editing is as good as chapter-making. Also, I am in the first chapter. As an anxiety-prone young man, I tend to blow things out of proportion in my mind. Many of my classmates are also finishing up their work. But it doesn't make my position any easier. Once you get anxious there are two ways in front of you: either you start working as if there's no tomorrow or you just freeze. I have always been anxious. I have always been afraid of failures and that stopped me from trying out many things in life. Even with things that I chose to do I have been inconsistent. If a topic excites me I get enthusiastic about it. But I can't keep up my enthusiasm because firstly, it's laborious to pursue something serious, even if it's your passion and secondly, my attention gets diverted into some newer topic. I have been an excitable (and irritable) person. For me, to be an interesting means to be excited. Unfortunately, excitement doesn't last long enough and unless people pursue their interests long enough they wouldn't create anything worthwhile even if they were intelligent and passionate about that thing initially. There's a lesson I knew right from childhood but only learned late: Talent and Intelligence succeed only when accompanied by hard work.
There's a debate about whether it's hard work or smart work that succeeds. I think even if one chose smart work over hard work he has to be persistent in his smart work. It's the quality of persistence, that makes even smart work succeed. It's the condition of consistency that makes even smart work hard. We have all made detailed plans about how to smartly pursue our goals and our life-plans. More often than not we fail at executing them. We fail because of two things: either we hesitated to start at all and soon gave up on the plan altogether or we gave up after we started. I have done both. The first sort of people suffers from starting trouble or inertia. They are scared about failure, or they are scared about the tremendous labour their dreams demand of them. Unable to face them they bow down and walk away. The second class of people is those who mustered enough courage to start but stopped in the middle. Why did they stop? They stopped because they couldn't keep up with the mental and physical demands of their plans. Even if one ought to work smart than work hard the smart work should be done consistently for many days, months or even years. Now, that's hard work. The hard part isn't having a smart plan but the ability to keep working the plan until it bears fruit. Even smart work has to be accomplished in a hard way. Interpreted one way or another pursuit of one's dreams is hard. Only those accomplish who can pursue despite its hardness.
My character profile isn't one that's suited for hard work or even smart work. I am paying the price for it. I had such great dreams about my thesis; I wanted to impress my teachers with my findings. I wanted to impress them with the thoroughness of my research and my erudite reading of sources. I failed to be thorough with my research because I didn't know how to pursue research, to begin with. Being an avid reader was one of my greatest strengths during my student years. It put me ahead of my peers since I could engage with texts from a more informed pedestal. But research is more than just reading; it's more than being merely informed. Research is hard work that one should execute smartly. Research is as much about thinking about your sources as it's about reading them. Also, it's about how well you can think. The novelty of the thesis is constrained only by the limits of your imagination and reasoning. I wouldn't call myself an unimaginative or irrational man but I was scared to think for myself. Curious as it may sound, I, of all people, was scared to think. I was scared to think originally because of the labour it took to create something original and because I was scared of failing. However, no amount of laziness and anxiety helped my cause. If anything they stalled my work and I am all the worse for it. At least, if I had trusted my guts and went ahead with the first proposal things would have been different. Even after I changed my initial proposal for a new one I found a promising line of inquiry which I didn't follow through because it didn't excite me. It's right to say that though it was a historically concrete problem to investigate and a good place to start for a young researcher in history I didn't investigate it thoroughly because it wasn't exciting enough for me. At least here, my predilection for abstract speculation got the better of me at the expense of concrete historical research. I should have had a more realistic view of what a novice could achieve in the first two years of his research. My inconsistency, inexperience and the fear of failure combined to wreck my indecisive forays into research. Despite all this, I hope to finish my work by next month and submit it. I want to get over with it.
The last two years shattered my self-belief and I had to reconstruct it piece by piece. Once my thesis is submitted I have to return to my hometown. There my life awaits me. What does it have in store for me? I don't know. Honestly, I don't have the imaginative stamina to think or see any further than a day. I work a day at a time. I'm not even sure whether I'm meant for academics. I don't have the work-ethics or the psychological strength to withstand the rigors of research including disappointments and back to back deadlines. Yet, throughout my life academics have been my second home and I have thoroughly enjoyed university life. I want to continue academics but I will continue only if I can bring certain fundamental changes in the way I approach the concept of work. I should become conscientious, focused and consistent. I should overcome my fear of failure. Even if it persists with me I want to work despite it; after all, courage is said to be doing things despite fear. That's a lot of things I expect of myself. Am I again committing the fallacy of utopian thinking? I hope not. No, I am not committing the utopian fallacy. I have just identified the problems and if I have to rectify them I should become more consistent, focused and courageous. Would I be able to do this? I have two options: either I can bow out in fear of failure like I am wont to do at times or I can work despite the fear. I will think; I will reflect on where I stand in my life. Maybe then I will have an answer.
I think I'm at the crossroads in my life. Instead of rushing into one or other directions I will think. I will seek the help of my family who has supported me throughout my life. Then I will decide. I don't know what God has planned for me; whatever it is I pray I will be worthy of it.
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